Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Autocorrect is my menesis
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)