Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?