I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.