Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Twitter is an abusement park.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I really had high hopes for this year though
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
This story is comedy gold 😂
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.