i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
the Monday after daylight savings
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”