[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless