Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You Might Also Like
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.