Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
You Might Also Like
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”