Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
You Might Also Like
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT