Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment