A classic example of a cat being a cat.
You Might Also Like
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
giddy up Office Depot
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Britain be like
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business