I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
nobody’s gonna understand
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.