Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.