Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
first you must answer his riddles
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”