If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.