I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
2022 will be better than 2021
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
choose your fighter
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way