The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Who called it baking and not making love
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.