Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
what?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.