king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions