*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
🏙👨🏼
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.