I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
An odd boast
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Flock of bats
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible