*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.