Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
We need more people like this.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”