Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
She was rare, like a goth jogging
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.