Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.