Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”