If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep