The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
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I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.