my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.