Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’m having an out of money experience.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?