shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS