Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.