*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
had to share :’)
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface