Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Welcome
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.