Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The options really are this bad