“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’m putting together a team
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.