Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My wedding will be open casket.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”