Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
an airline just for babies.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school