my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.