For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.