Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
☺️
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
#oldknees
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework