I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
so weird how every mom was born today
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Well, that should do it
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now