Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’ve had worse
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Digital security in Ancient Troy
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.