I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
a god among men
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
who wore it better?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass