I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
the red hot silly peppers
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.