[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
True freaking story!
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.