Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.