You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air