Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.