I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
wishing you and yours all the best
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”